Masonic Humor

A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God.  The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it.
It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help.  The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week.

The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow.  The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twentny five dollars from the brethren.  The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did.

Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God.  Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.

While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother′s wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining.

I asked in what way?

She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book.

Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.

Oh fine was his reply.

I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.

No, was his reply.

So why read the book there?

Well he said “It′s the only TYLED room in the house”….

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it′s air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.

The candidate replied “a beer”.

At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered “light” to the candidate.

“OK,” the candidate replied, “a lite beer.”

A tired old mason whose hair was gray,
Came to the gates of Heaven one day,
When asked, what on earth he had done the most,
He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast.
St. Peter said, as he tolled the Bell,
Come inside my Brother you′ve had enough of Hell.

There′s a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he′s very drunk.
A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition?
Man: II′mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry.
Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!

Q.  How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:

2 to complain that the light doesn’t work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, the Temple Board or the Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in the Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that “that′s not the way we did it before.”
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, “I′m here to receive my 2nd degree.”

Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain.

“I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I′m ready for my 2nd degree.”

So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922.

“Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?” they ask.

He replied: “I was learning to subdue my passions!”

A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:

She) Well how′d it go?
He) Very well – most interestin
She) What did go on?
He) I′m not really sure if I can tell you about it.
She) Well is there anything you *can* tell me?
He) Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge  -walkers, talkers and Holy men.
She) What do they do – if you can tell me?
He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ….
She) And the Holy men?  What of them?
He) They seem to be a special class of men – all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly – “Oh My God Oh My God !”

A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said… “All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn′t you?………I wish I was a master!”

After due thought, he said…  “So do I dear….. we swap them for a new one every year!!”

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words.  “Yes” came his reply, “I hate Masons!” “Why do you hate Masons?” asked the hangman. “The man I killed was a Mason,” explained the murderer, “the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!” “Is that all?” asked the hangman, ” “Yes” replied the convicted murder. “Then you will advance one step with your left foot.”

A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble.

So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said “yes I have three”, he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a master mason′s apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on.

The man said “how much is the one with the masters apron on.”

“$2000.00 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck.”

“No”, he said “to expensive”, “what about the one with the MM apron on.”

“Well, that one is $1,000.00 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always prompt you when you learning it.”

“No to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on.”

“You can have him for $10.00.”

“Why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?”

“Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost.

A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft.

The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, “About 200 feet up in a balloon.”

Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again.

One turned to the other and said, “I bet he′s the Secretary of his Lodge!”

“Why do you say that?”, the other asked.

“Well what he has told us is absolutely true – but in our present predicament is totally useless!”

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it.  In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.

“OK,” said the WM, “I′ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly.  So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can  drive to Hawaii.”

“I can′t do that!!!” exclaimed the Genie.  “Don′t you know that′s impossible?  No Genie could do that.  It′s too far, the water is too deep, it′s just totally beyond anybody′s power.  You will have to make another wish.”

“OK,” said the Master.  “I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers … just sit on the sidelines and behave!”

“Hmmmmm,” said the Genie.  “Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??”

Masonic Blooper

WM: Bro SW, the labours of the evening being ended, you have my command to close the L*

SW: Brn, in the name of … (looks confused and mumbles ) Good God what’s his name again …

There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a carful of Shriners for speeding. When he saw that they were wearing fezzes he said, “Oh! Your Shriners are you? Then I’ll let you off this time because they do a lot of good. BUT if you were Masons I’d run you all in.”

A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting, and a festive board which had consisted on many takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light followed the car, and he pulled over to the side of the road. Thinking that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving licenec and insurance documents in his ritual book.

When the police officer asked for his driving licence he made a great play of taking it from his ritual book, but the policeman made no reaction whatsoever. The same with his insurance documents.

He was then asked to blow into the breathalyser which proved positive. He gave the sign of distress, which was ignored. The policeman started to write notes in his pocket book. At this point, the Brother was needing to go to the toilet, so asked the Police Officer if he could retire to the bushes in order to restore himself to his personal comforts.

The officer replied “Certainly sir, and on your return, I shall read to you a charge…..”

A Master Mason, recently raised, applied for a job knowing that his prospective boss to be a prominent Freemason, he made sure of wearing his Square and Compasses cufflinks. When he arrived at the interview, he approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake his hand.

After an hour or so, his prospective boss asked, if he were offered the job, what package he would expect. Our candidate, feeling very confident, said that he would like £100,000 and five weeks annual leave.

His interviewer replied, “We’ll halve it and you begin.”

As the story goes here in the east, two friends were riding the train to work. Harry said to jim, “did you ever notice the conductor never takes a ticket fronm that guy wearing that funny ring. I’ve seen those rings in the pawn shop in Hoboken, I think I’ll get me one and see what happens”.

The next day Harry was flashing his new ring when the conductor came up and asked him, “Will you be off or from?”

Harry thought for a moment then replied “I’ll be off”.

The conductor told him he was right, he’d be off at the next station.

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